If you want someone to describe to you what it's like to have a person that you care about to not answer the phone when you call, and not call you back when you leave a message - I'm the one to talk to.  It's not that I'm mad, I'm just disappointed.  I thought this may happen over the summer and through my pessimistic thinking, I almost believe I caused it to happen.  I have no reason to think otherwise since I haven't been given any evidence to the contrary. 

In short: it hurts.  A lot. 

So many things affect me more than I show.  I almost regret this because most of the time, no one notices that there's anything wrong.  He used to.

I added a blog entry this morning, but I took it down because I thought it revealed a little too much about some things that I try to keep personal.  Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately, and I've discovered I don't really have anything to live for.  I'm uncomfortable around my family; I hate my job - there's no point in going except to pay the bills; I don't do anything I enjoy anymore.  Come to think of it, I don't really enjoy anything anymore.  Living here isn't what I thought it was going to be - everyone's off in a different direction, so I spend most of my time alone.  I wish I had taken classes this summer because at least school keeps me busy and I don't have time to think of why I do what I do. 

I tried to go running this morning, but I got half the way around the block and realized that I didn't really want to go running.  So I stopped and walked the rest of the way back.  Welcome to my life.  I only do things because I have to, and not because I want to.  I've gotten too wrapped up in my responsibilities and obligations to enjoy life.  I've lost my zest for life and I'm only 20 years old.  How pathetic. 

I'm sick of feeling like this.  I spent most of spring quarter looking forward to the summer, so that way I'd forget how crappy everything really was. 

And with this, I pose a question to you.  Think about it, ponder it.  If you have any suggestions, please let me know.  If you think any of my suggestions sound like the right thing to do, please let me know.  What caused this?  Did I overwork myself? Did I pull myself away from (almost) everyone I care about?  How do I correct it?  I almost think I should go home, just relax, and do whatever I feel like doing for the summer.  I'm sure if I explain this to my parents, they'll understand and won't make me have a job if I don't want one.  Do I seek counseling? Is it that I just need to talk about my problems?  Are my problems real or is this just something I made up so I can feel sorry about myself?  Do I just need to find a hobby? Something that I can do to relax?  I've found myself to be an antisocial person that doesn't want to do anything but sleep.  I need to find a way to fix this before I go absolutely crazy.  I need to see some sort of improvement or I won't be able to take it anymore.

So the other night, Kurt called me and left a message on my phone. He wanted to get some people together to hang out tonight, since he would be in town.  I thought this sounded like fun, but was a little concerned about feeling awkward since he invited Mike, who I had dated for quite some time.  That relationship didn't end well, and I've hardly seen him since.  That was over a year and a half ago.  But anyway, I decided to grow up and just be myself, so I went out to eat with Kurt, Wes, Brian, Mike, Amber and Sarah. It ended up being a great time, making fun of Kurt a lot (he's an ass).  Our waitress at Steak 'N' Shake was absolutely horrible, but hey, I got a free chocolate shake.  If Josh had been done teaching school by now, he probably would have been there too.  That would have been sweet.  Anyway, I hope we all get the chance to hang out again.  I had a lot of fun, and I think a lot of bridges are mended after tonight.

It's Saturday night, and I'm bored out of my mind.  It's the weekend before finals - somehow I never thought the end of the year would come, but now I'm not sure what to do.  My finals won't be that bad; I have one take-home, one regular exam, and one actual cumulative final.  I've spent 23 hours in the last day working the NCAA baseball tournament, so it's not like I've had any free time.  Tomorrow will be close to the same but there may only be one game.  So here's the problem: I can't sleep, but I don't feel like going out.  There's nothing good on TV, and I feel like I've been burdening the one person I spend most of my time with.  Maybe it's a good thing that school's almost over and we can all just relax for a while.  And hey, it's almost my birthday!

• No wonder I can't find a summer job - if I don't think highly of myself, why would anyone else?


• Is it normal to be half of the way through my undergrad degree and not know what I want to do after college?


• Why am I a part of some organizations when I could get the same results from others that cost less time and money?


• When did I become so antisocial?


• What is the point of life when there's nothing to look forward to?


• How can I dissappear from the world, hurting as few people as possible?


• Where did it all (or almost all) go wrong?

So as it turns out, I have no time to ever blog.  If you want to know what's going on with me, talk to me in person, on aim, or call me.  I'll be happy to talk if I'm not rushing around.  Happy Friday!

If you want to discuss something with me, please address me and present yourself.  I find it rude, offensive and s omewhat whiney to criticize someone else's decisions without knowing the story behind it, or have the decency to let them know who you are.  It doesn't bother me that someone's opinion contradicts me; that is not the issue here.  If you have a problem, talk to ME, don't talk behind my back - and in this case I consider anonymity a form of deceit - or you will lose my respect.  Thank you. Have a nice day.

Observations of the day:

• Shiny things lower my IQ, including: glitter gel pens and my new watch.


• If I had calsses that were less difficult, I would think they were worthless, and therefore have bad (probably worse) grades anyway.


• Naps are sometimes more worthwhile than struggling to do homework.


• I pride myself in my reputation, but I barely do enough to uphold it.


• I do not understand DE2 at all.


• Most days I would rather do Thermodynamics than drawing.


• As my work load increases, my creativity and spontenaity decreases.


• I love Tri Delta more than I show most of the time. I am very proud to be an officer, be on Nom Comm again, and to be on the Standards Committee.  I just wish I had better ideas to contribute to the chapter.


• I'm turning into the people-person I never used to be and value relationships and attitudes over more tangible things.


• I've taught myself not to fall asleep in class, so now I can't even if I want to.


• I'm a lazy slob that gets lucky most of the time.


• My time management is getting better, leaving me with more free time... to sleep or make fun of people or other distractions.


• Blog stalkers are weird, and should at least identify themselves.  I think everyone that reads this blog entry and future blog entries should leave some sort of comment identifying themselves.  Just curious to see who reads it.


• Some professors are completely technologically impaired.


• I like free food.  Free food that's cooked for me, not by me, is even better.


• It's  easy to keep your room clean if you clean it often.


• Swim practice is much better for everyone if there's a rubber ducky.


• Popsicles dramatically improve the quality of life.

here's a short story:

this girl meets this guy.  he turns out to be the greatest guy she's ever met.  she's afraid that any little thing she does will make him not want to spend time with her anymore.  all he has to do is look at her and the world is happy. 

I enjoy and hate writing these things.  I seem so juvenile, my grammar so undeveloped when I post a blog.  I wish I had more important things to share than talking about my parents' new dog.  Damn.  I'm done now.

So I made it to my parents' house in one piece. Three tests and two trips to the airport later, of course.  I slept a heck of a lot.  Gotta love sleeping for 12 hours straight.  Nothing better than a couple nights of that, plus some naps in between.  Got my truck worked on, after it was acting funny because of the cold.  New drive belt, new brakes, the works.  Weee....  I also got light up dice for my rear view mirror from my cousin.  I like lightup things.  They're fun.  I've been shopping 3 different times so far (I've been home 3.5 days).  Once I even went with my parents.  Ha!  Made cookies 3 times, decorated once, made candies - more to come.  Watched some movies, the DVD player in the living room is broken, Dad should be happy when he finds out (heavy layer of sarcasm applied there).  Anyway, getting to see a lot of people: Jennie, James, Andrew Giese, Andy Nelson, Kent Sallaz, Kat, Ashley, Val, Rachel (from Schlotzsky's), the people at work, more to come, like Ryan and Grandma and whatnot. I mentioned that my truck was acting funny.  It was.  It stalled at the end of the road and wouldn't start again, so I started to walk home.  It was only a quarter of a mile.  But Gail, the mailman, stopped and gave me a ride the rest of the way.  Randomness takes over.  On the topic of shopping, I got some new undies. They're cute.  Got a new practice suit for the training trip next week.  Bought a new cell phone finally.  Found the one I have now, but not broken, on ebay for cheap.  Should be here early next week.  Too bad I'll be in Florida.  Oh well..  Tomorrow I'm going to go buy an electric blanket, for those nights when I'm cold but don't have anyone to cuddle with.  Then I'm going out to dinner with Kat, Ashley and Val.  Haven't seen them in at least a year.  It should be fun.  If you've read this whole thing, followed it, and understand it, you deserve a cookie.  I made sugar cookies and gingerbread people.  Take your pick.  I personally would choose the gingerbread, because the dough was stretchy, so when I moved the people from the cutting board to the cookie sheet, they moved so that they look like they're either: 1.) dancing, or 2.) mangled from a horrific car accident.  Quite fun, I'd say.

So I fully support drama-free everything, but I recently (in the last hour) have experienced my own drama.  Is it bad when you're emotionally hurt when you lose your graphing calculator?  haha  Anyway, I lost my graphing calculator, and it freaked me out because I can't do my homework without it.  I looked everywhere-both of my bags I take to campus, my truck, my room - to no avail.  So I took Kimberly's to start my homework.  Then I realized that I'm missing my clipboard that I do my homework with as well.  So I thought, "Hmm, where would my clipboard be?  I took my homework off of it this morning... while sitting on my bed.... so could my calculator...." and I walk to my bed to find my clipboard.  Then I proceeded to think, "Ooh, my clipboard!  OOH!  My calculator!"  I think it was trying to put the moves on the pig.  So that's my drama.  I'm a nerd.

I realized that I still have a blog.  Ha.  Forgotten blog.   Look!  I learned how to walk with stilts while naked!  Let's see who still blogstalks me...

I've just been really lazy lately, and haven't posted a blog.  I can't wait until more people come back to school.  I had dinner with Bob the other night, and that was a blast, so I'm ready for everyone else to get here too.  I haven't really done anything too interesting lately, no random road trips or anything.  I was supposed to go camping with my family, but I got scheduled to work, so that went to hell.  As it turns out, I'm missing spending a weekend with my dad, brother, grandma and aunts and uncles.  Damn.  That's ok.  I did get the chance to change 18 lightbulbs though.  Ha.  Can you believe that there were 18 burnt-out lightbulbs in this house?  Me either, but there were.  Those random light switches that you didn't know what they controlled - light fixtures with 3 or 4 burnt out light bulbs.  Anyway, with all of my free time, I've managed to clean the whole house (I'm very close to being done now) and done a lot of crafting.  I did have the chance to hang out with some really cool people and spontaneously go to a Kenny Chesney concert though.  When I'm not spending time alone, I have a phenomenal time.  But there's just so much time alone...